Inspiring Story

DISCERNING THE CALL OF THE SPIRIT

By Fatima Anne

I've been interested in knowing how people, especially the religious, receive/accept their 'calling'. When Sr *Maria shared in a retreat about her being almost married etc, it struck me right away. There must be something there so powerful to lead her to take such steps, choosing to ignore totally bout 'society's perceptions'. She has been significant with the growth of my spirituality here and my understanding of vocation .

She doesn't know when it started, but she used to have a small corner in her room where she placed a chair, lit a candle on it, and prayed there. She doesn't remember what else was there. All she recalled was that the statue she had won would fit in perfectly.

When she was in fourth grade, a teacher started a competition by giving out stickers with the letters G-O-O-D printed on them. One would have to show commitment to devotions of the church like praying the rosary, and go for mass and spend time in prayer in order to earn these stickers. The student who collected the most stickers would win a statue of Mother Mary.

She had greatly wished to win that she started waking up every single morning to go to mass. As desired, she won. Strangely though, even after the competition ended, she kept going to mass everyday. It had become such a part of her that her day didn't seem right if she missed it.

Maria* grew up on her own most of the time. Mum and dad were at work, her elder sister was married and big brother had started working. Her younger sister was ill and bedridden since young.

Her father wanted the children to go to Catholic schools.

“To him, Catholic education ensured strong-disciplined, well-behaved, good kids, who would become good people. It was a financial struggle, yet somehow he managed. After moving from Italy , my first school was St Joseph 's in Sydney ,” she said.

Many Catholic children were dragged along to Sunday mass with their parents. This wasn't the case for Maria. Her parents didn't go to church. They were living on the mountainside in Southern Italy , in a village called Acquaro (which means ‘water'). There was no road access. And when they moved to Sydney , they couldn't understand the language. But when they began to attend school in Australia , Maria and her siblings went to church.

Graduating from high school, she applied to get into what was then known as, North Sydney Teachers College (the current Australian Catholic University in Sydney ). She wanted to teach in the Catholic school system. She received a scholarship, but still needed some financial support from her parents.

“I will only support you on one condition. Promise me that when you finish college, you won't join the convent,” her dad said.

“Oh my God!” she thought. Because that was exactly what she intended. To join the convent.

Yet, she kept her fingers crossed and said “okay”. She knew she was lying. She knew she wasn't going to keep it.

How could she? It was part of her dream. Ever since she was taught by Sister Catherine, this Italian-Australian girl wanted to be a teacher and join the convent. Maria wanted to do what Sister Catherine was doing.

“Sister Catherine was very different from all the others. Her approach was so modern. She hardly used books during lessons. There were a lot more visuals and hands-on activities. I loved it,” Maria said.

True enough, towards the end of the first year of teaching, Maria had signed papers and taken psychological tests to join the religious order of one of the sisters who was part of her school's staff. Without her parents' knowledge, she resigned from teaching and breached the three-year-contract with the college.

When everything was done, she told her dad, “Next year in May I am going to join the convent.” He didn't react as expected.

“Oh well, that's all right. But I think you should spend more time with your mother and me before you go,” he said.

Because she and her dad had never been back to Italy , he suggested for a six-week holiday there over Christmas. Maria wasn't keen on travelling then. But she consented to please her dad, not realizing that he was hoping the trip would change her mind about joining the convent.

It did.

Maria had never been on a real holiday before. This was the first time she had ever been that far from her home. Annual visits to Canberra couldn't come close to Italy . The grandeur of the mountains, the tranquillity of clear, running water… Her heart was captured. Only then had she begun to realize that there is a lot more to life than she was aware of.

“I was only 22 years old!” she said. She wanted to see more, to experience more. Italy gave her such delight she couldn't help but reconsider her decision to join the convent.

She wanted to stay longer, but had to return to Sydney . The thrill of travelling to a faraway land was irresistible. After a few weeks, she flew back to spend six months in Italy . She stayed with her mother's sister. Their house had just been equipped with electricity at that time. Although Acquaro is famous for its pure waters, there was still no water supply in the houses. Maria helped them do washings at the river, carry water to the house, make bread and harvest the olives. The road wasn't fit to drive on; the only means to go to town was on foot.

“It was very, very basic,” she says. Yet Maria found an immense joy in this simplicity.

Upon returning to Sydney , she plunged into despair. Maria, who had grown up to be full of courage, felt weak and powerless. Her dreams, her heart's desires were buried, disappearing under the mess of her thoughts and feelings. Everything seemed a blur. Feeling unsettled, she went back to teaching.

During that period, she met someone. She liked him. He was a good looking gentleman and he loved her. An engagement seemed permissible, convenient even. She didn't want to join the convent; neither did she want to stay single. So when he proposed, she was pleased. “At last,” she thought, “I'm going somewhere.”

And so they got married and lived happily ever after…...Not quite.

She never wore her engagement ring.

She tried telling her family, but they didn't take her seriously. Her sister said, “You're mad.”

She couldn't get anyone to listen to her.

When the party was over, she returned to the privacy of her room. The ring slid out of her finger and into a box. It remained there.

“It felt like a chain around my neck.”

On the night of the engagement, the usually dazzling sky had lost its stars.

She was looking out from the balcony of her room and saw him approaching her house. All of a sudden, as if she was jolted by electricity, she felt an insurmountable, strange feeling welling up. She couldn't stand the sight of him.

It was unfathomable, yet the feeling was overwhelming.

Though she couldn't put a finger on it, she knew something was not right. From that instant, she did not want an engagement.

But she had to carry on with it. Being part of the Italian community where the traditional roles of women were upheld, her feelings were disregarded. She was told to stick with the engagement plans.

That whole time she was sure she was not interested in marriage.

It's a wonder she endured with the plans.

Perhaps it was with due respect to her culture.

But, she had already challenged the norm of the society a few times before. Her non-conformist nature was already evident. Even in a sepia family photo taken in Italy , her young eyes were locked towards one side of the room, while the rest were facing the camera.

Or perhaps she was just waiting for a better time?

But how long will she wait?

Or perhaps she just couldn't quite make up her mind? Perhaps she was reconsidering? Discerning?

But …

When you're doing something which your heart is not set on, it shows.

Many relatives were already questioning her about not wearing her engagement ring.

Her dad sensed something was wrong. He knew his daughter too well to have overlooked her misery. He kept asking, “Are you sure this is what you want?”

Then one day, her dad said, “You don't have to wait till you get to the altar and say you don't want to marry him.”

“No, if I got to the altar and decided it wasn't for me, I would turn back. Better then than afterwards,” stated the assertive Maria.

However, this isn't another runaway-bride story, although it came close to one.

It didn't happen at the altar.

On a setting-up-house shopping trip with her fiancé, Maria suddenly felt her throat tighten and her whole being burst in protest, “I don't think I can put up with this…” Her fiancé went berserk.

“When I returned the ring to him, he stamped on it and chucked it. Then he left,” she related.

Maria, on the other hand, was very calm, relieved perhaps. “I felt free.”

The wedding invitations were cancelled.

For the next twelve months, he kept going back to her, hoping she would change her mind. He was very insistent even after she had made her disinterest clear. Realising that politeness wasn't working, she told him off, “Get lost!” He never returned.

“I didn't know where I was going with my life. I was even more confused,” she commented.

After three years of confusion, she realised that she still had a call; she felt it was to mission. She had wanted to go to India . In 1976, she was offered to go to the Philippines for mission.

She had a plan. She would go to Philippines , then to India , and then to Japan to visit Sister Catherine. She kept all this from the knowledge of her parents. They had invited her to go along with them to Italy . She declined, and was relieved that they'd be away.

When she returned after her trips, she thought to herself, “maybe India .” With that in mind, she continued teaching.

Not far from her school, she found an old folks village run by a Catholic religious order - the Canossian Daughters of Charity. She started going there to help out and since then spent a lot of time there.

Deep within, she still had an unfulfilled desire, an urge almost.

Wanting to do some international voluntary work, she stopped teaching. Through some contacts, she set out for Chile . She was then away for three months. The sisters at the old folks village suggested that she visit their community in Brazil . So after Chile , she went to Bolivia and then to Brazil .

When she arrived at the Canossian sisters' centre in Brazil , she suddenly felt “this is it!”

“It was so relaxing… I felt at peace. I had the sense of where I belonged, and I… I felt like this was home. I felt that my search had finished and I didn't want to come back to Australia .”

She recalled the time when she was about to board the plane from Bolivia to Brazil . She was feeling extremely exhausted that all she wanted to do was go home. Almost at the exact moment of that thought, she heard a voice: “But you are going home.”

“Now I know better,” she said, smiling, glowing. “Now I know that was God speaking.”

But she had to return due to her visa.

Back in Sydney , she joined as a full-time admin staff at the old folks' village. In the midst of being occupied with her job's tasks, she couldn't push aside the memory of the voice she had heard and the sisters in Brazil . She knew what she wanted to do; she just needed guidance to get there. One day, she rang for a Sister Patricia*, whom the staff called whenever there was trouble or an inquiry which they couldn't handle. That stranger soon became her confidante, her mentor.

Before long, Maria was preparing to start on the path she had been longing to walk on. She was finally able to live the life she desired.

Upon telling her dad about her decision, she was advised to spend some time with her mum before leaving.

Maria, however, was convinced that she was going home…

Never had she felt such peace until then. That peace that she had found still vibrates.

Nevertheless, the stillness within her is such a contrast to her energy. She's always on the go, constantly and selflessly giving and sharing to provide necessities for the needy and spiritual guidance for those sharing her faith.

Sister Maria is currently a leader at her multicultural community in Brisbane and a representative of commissions of churches in Australia . Since 1949, the Institute of the Canossian Daughters of Charity has been an integral part of the Australian society in various aspects, particularly in education and care of the sick. They also keep in view the need of their struggling missions, in Sudan , East Timor and Paraguay .

“In all that activity, she had always found a way to stop and listen. That listening ear is something that I find extraordinary in itself,” shared one of the sisters in her community.

“It is a challenge, but there's something liberating about not swimming with the tide ”, Maria said.

Something led Sister Maria to her path.

Was it the statue? Sister Catherine? The longing of morning mass? Or simply her passion, courage and strength? Some would say it was because she came from a village where one of the famous saints, St Rocco, grew up.

However, in her firm yet gentle voice, Sister Maria gives a simple, yet profound answer,

“It is like when you love someone…”

(* names have been changed to protect identity and respect privacy)

Fatima Ann is continuing her education in Australia . She is doing a B.Ed (TEFL) Primary.