Managing Life
Dealing with Anger!
Catherine Ann Francis, Penang
All of us experience anger at some stage in our life in varying degrees of intensity – from mild annoyance to violent rage. It begins in infancy and continues through to old age. It may be hidden and suppressed or expressed openly. It can come and go quickly, or it may persist for years in the form of bitterness, resentment or hatred. Anger may be destructive when it persists in the form of aggression, unforgiveness or revenge. But it can also be constructive if it motivates us to correct injustice or to think creatively.
Being human, we are not always able to judge between real injustice and apparent injustice. As a result we become angry over things which we think are wrong but which, in fact, would not be considered wrong if we had all the facts. Children who are not taught to differentiate between desires and rights become adults who are capable of causing enormous damage in their anger. We are brought up believing that we are entitled and we become angry when we suffer a real or perceived injury and want to punish the perceived offender. Enraged people are self-righteous and unreasonable. The image often associated with anger is fire. When a person is in the heat of anger, eyes blaze, the voice rises, the finger points and the feet stamp and rational thinking goes out the door.
Anger can be harmful and dangerous as it provides an opening for Satan. ‘ “In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.' (Ephesians 4: 26-27) Human anger often leads to sin, which can be expressed in various ways:
Vengeance . Bitterness, hatred, revenge, and a judgmental attitude all result from anger.
Verbal Abuse. As Christians we are responsible for controlling our tongues, but this is especially difficult when we are angry. In Proverbs, the person who loses his temper and lets fly with his words is described as a fool.
Dishonest Sharing. Sometimes in a very subtle way we pretend to be concerned about the other person's own good but all the while we are using the opportunity to express our own hostility.
Refusal To Share. Some people tend to mask their true feelings in an attempt to maintain peace. The motive may be commendable, but the result can be harmful because the other person never realizes that he or she made someone angry and why. Thus there is no opportunity to change for the better and in turn, the person who suppresses anger is more open to a growing bitterness and to depression.
What to do about your anger?
Know yourself
Self-knowledge goes a long way towards defusing anger. First, admit to yourself that you are angry. This will help you to evaluate what you are feeling more objectively. However, most of us struggle to admit that we are angry because such an admission can be threatening, especially if we are angry at a loved one or if we believe that all anger is wrong.
Anger is within your power to control. The issue with anger is not to repress it or to let it explode but to find the reason or motive for your anger and to learn to release it in a healthy way. You can't release your anger unless you are willing to look at its source. Sometimes your anger may stem from fear and the feeling that you are being threatened. Sometimes unconfessed sin is the problem. You need to ask yourself if you are out of control because of something you have been guilty of. Sometimes your anger may be derived from past wounds that cause you to project old hurts on to new people. Anger often has its origin in our past and if only we would stop to ask ourselves ‘What is motivating me to be this angry? Is my response to this person a bit excessive? What will be the price to my reputation if I indulge my anger? What would God have me do?' a lot of unnecessary pain could be avoided.
Find Constructive Outlets
The problem with anger – justified or not – is that it generates energy. Find a constructive way to deal with this energy because anger can prod you to destructive acts that are difficult to undo later. Use delay tactics like counting to ten or taking part in some physical activity in order to work off steam and to enable you to think more clearly as to why you are angry. The energy produced by justified anger can be channeled to accomplish many good and wonderful things whereas unjustified anger is channeled towards revenge.
‘It is better to deny entrance to just and reasonable anger than to admit it, no matter how small it is. Once let in, it is driven out again only with difficulty.' ( St. Augustine )
Even when anger is rightfully motivated and morally appropriate, we must be extremely careful to temper it because it is so dangerous and so hard to contain in a righteous way. If you are being tormented by feelings of anger, it may help to talk about them with someone who can be objective and make wise suggestions for dealing with them. The other person can help you probe what is inside you that is making you want to cling to your anger. Praying the psalms can also help you uncover and identify what you are really feeling but have trouble admitting. The psalms do not shield us from the truth of our human condition but show us how it feels to be the victim of someone's anger, the target of a person's hatred, and they also reveal how it feels to be enraged to the point of delivering a curse on someone
It is a humbling experience to admit that we are or have been angry, or that we have lost self-control. Some people apparently prefer to remain angry rather than to risk admitting weakness or failure. Others, however, are willing to acknowledge the reality of their anger along with any accompanying sinful side effects.
It is important that you confess to God, knowing for certain that you are forgiven, and confess to others so that they can support, encourage and pray for you. Some people know intellectually that they are forgiven, but since they don't “feel forgiven”, they continue in their guilt. Perhaps one way to feel forgiveness is to meditate repeatedly on 1 John 1:9 ‘If we confess our sins , He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.' An additional technique is to be sure that you consistently forgive others. This is especially relevant for those who hold grudges, as their anger is certain to continue with all of the accompanying misery and tension. Forgiving can be extremely difficult, especially when the situation remains unjust, but it can be done if responsibility for the situation is handed over to God for only He can give us the ability to forgive and forget.
Deal With Feelings of Inferiority
Hostility and anger often indicate that a person feels inferior, insecure and is lacking in self-esteem or self-confidence. If someone is made to feel inferior, he or she often reacts with anger in an attempt to assert his or her superiority. You will be better able to control your anger when you develop a healthy self-esteem, based on your value as God special creature. It is a good practice to ask yourself, “Am I really as inferior as this situation might suggest?” Then learn to think of the other person's feelings of inadequacy. For example, whenever anyone belittles, acts superior, or is hostile to you, think of who or what's been bugging him. No matter how great the provocation or how obnoxious a person seems, your awareness of the forces behind the other person's behaviour will help you feel less inferior – and thus, less hostile.
Avoid Meditating On Your Anger
People who are angry often enjoy meditating on the cause of their anger, thinking vengeful thoughts and planning ways to ‘get even'. As this continues, the original causes are blown up into false proportions and anger increases, especially when critical people associate with other critical people and share criticisms. In this way, some people develop a whole negative mind-set and the bitterness grows worse as they get older. This kind of thinking can be fun at first, because it lets the thinker fantasize about his or her own superiority. But in the long run, it is extremely destructive and harmful, and it must be resisted and replaced with positive and less critical thoughts.
Learn To Confront
Conflict and disagreement are part and parcel of life, but people should be encouraged and taught to tell each other how they feel, what they want and what they think. When we confront a person in a critical manner we will only succeed in stimulating anger but when we speak the truth in love, the outcome will be different. If we could only learn to communicate honestly and effectively, we could prevent, or at least reduce, outbursts of destructive anger.
Let The Holy Spirit Take Control
Uncontrolled anger is listed in the Bible as one of the deeds of the flesh, but self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit. As you constantly seek to avoid sin and sincerely desire to be led by the Holy Spirit, there will be a slow but predictable growth in self-control and a steady decline in anger and hostility. When you commit your life to the Spirit's control on a daily basis, you will eventually be able to avoid destructive anger.
In his book ‘The Seven Deadly Sins', Henry Fairlie wrote: “There are angry people who seem simply to be angry within themselves, at anything and everything; angry at life, angry at their lot, angry at the world, angry at everyone else, and angry at themselves………We have come to the point of giving to Wrath and incontestable license to terrorise our societies.” Indeed, the catastrophic destruction of the World Trade Center in New York on September 11, 2001 vividly illustrates what horrific damage can be caused by unchecked and indulged anger. It is frightening to imagine that there were people out there whose anger was so intense that they felt they had every right to blow up a large building and murder innocent people in protest. Don't allow your anger to continue unchecked. Deal with it the moment it rears its ugly head!
Catherine Francis is a member of the Light of God, a branch of Covenanted Community for Christ, Malaysia .