Managing Life
Dealing with loneliness
Catherine Ann Francis, Penang
Loneliness is the painful awareness that we lack a meaningful relationship with others. It is the experience of an inner emptiness coupled with an intense desire to be wanted and needed by someone. It is marked by feelings of sadness, discouragement, isolation, restlessness or anxiety most of the time. Lonely people often feel “left out”, unwanted or rejected, even when in the company of others. They sometimes feel hopeless and long for any kind of relationship that would end the awful pain of involuntary aloneness. Many lonely people also feel a sense of worthlessness and a conviction that ‘since nobody wants to be with me, I guess I'm not worth anything'. Loneliness must not be confused with solitude, which is a voluntary withdrawal from other people and can be refreshing, rejuvenating and enjoyable.
“Loneliness was the first thing that God's eye named not good.” (John Milton). At each stage of creation, God paused to evaluate His work and declared that it was good. However, after creating Adam and placing him in the garden of Eden, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.” (Gen. 2:18) God has put into every human beings an innate need to be loved and belong. As children, we learn to give and receive affection and are taught the skills that will help us to relate with other people in later life and thus find acceptance in society. However, when that need for affection and fellowship is unfulfilled, we become restless, unhappy and lonely.
Loneliness is especially prevalent among single adults (those who never married, those formerly married who have lost a spouse through death or divorce, as well as single parents) and affects their attitudes, outlook on life, motivations, relationships and spirituality. Singleness is sometimes seen as a swinging, no-strings-attached, carefree lifestyle but for many singles, nothing can be further from the truth for they are often plagued by loneliness, insecurity, low self-esteem and sometimes rejection. While it may be argued that singles, as a group, are no lonelier than unhappily married people, it is generally agreed that intense feelings of aloneness frequently engulf singles, especially those who have lost or been rejected by mates, and those who live alone. Any single person knows more about loneliness that somebody who is sharing his life with a wife and family.
Loneliness doesn't develop overnight . It can result from of a lifetime of influences that shape our personality or it can evolve after a major change in circumstances. Some people tend to be loners because of circumstances in their childhood. For example, if a child was raised by an unaffectionate or overly critical parent, he may tend to shy away from intimacy with others. Some people simply never learn to communicate well or get along with others. Some, by their aggressive or demanding ways, may tend to cause others to feel intimidated and thus avoid them. Conversely, people with low self-esteem often withdraw from relationships which they believe will lead to rejection.
There are also many social factors that contribute to loneliness. Modern technology has made it easier to do things without other people and without leaving our homes. The television is the chief culprit that robs us of time with family and friends. Also, because our society is more mobile these days, families may relocate several times for career advancement or other reasons, which tends to discourage the development of deep friendships.
Circumstances in life can also increase the possibility of isolation and loneliness. People who are unmarried, divorces or widowed, the student who has to leave home to further his studies, the leader who must remain aloof from his subordinates, the disabled or house-bound invalid all face a greater chance of loneliness due to a situation in their lives.
Whatever may be contributing to your loneliness, there is a way out and it begins with confronting a cause of loneliness that every human being must come to terms with – the spiritual loneliness of being separated from God. God longs to have fellowship with us, and it is this fellowship that forms the foundation of all other relationships. Day by day, through prayer and Bible reading, we can experience the wonderful fellowship that God wants to have with His children. A dynamic walk with God is a solid foundation for building relationships with others. Spiritually speaking, our “immediate family” is the group of believers with whom we attend church. They form an important support group that functions much like our natural family does.
The following steps will help you break free from the attitudes, emotions and behaviors that may be at the root of your loneliness. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you identify actions you can take to overcome loneliness.
Only after you acknowledge that you are lonely can you take the steps necessary to escape from your isolation.
Evaluate your life honestly in light of the factors mentioned above. Do any of them apply to you?
Loneliness is a state of mind, not a life sentence . It is a fact of life that every one of us has times when our longing to be heard, understood and appreciated by another human being is not met. No matter how loved and popular we are, we can have pain and heartache that no one else feels; fears and opinions that those close to us don't share or understand; and times when we are separated from someone we yearn to be with. You don't have to react negatively to this inescapable fact.
Learn to like yourself .
If you don't like yourself, you will never like being alone and you will drag your gloomy self into any future relationship. People who dislike themselves usually expect to be disliked and rejected by others. Some deliberately sabotage relationships in the false belief that it is less painful to push someone away rather than wait for the inevitable rejection. If we don't like ourselves, it means we are not seeing ourselves through God's eyes. No human has ever loved anyone with the intensity that God loves you. Having God in your life not only means you are never without a companion who truly loves and understands and believes in you, it means you have the power to enrich other people's lives. Start acknowledging your strengths, abilities and spiritual gifts, as well as your weaknesses, and stop comparing yourself with people who are more popular and successful.
Stop depending on others for your own happiness.
It is wrong and unfair to hold others responsible for your happiness. You will be painfully disappointed if you expect another person to be always available and to be unselfishly devoted to making you happy. Your happiness is your responsibility.
Avoid indulging in self-pity .
You may feel the pain of loneliness but you can choose not to remain there. Be thankful and count your blessings. Do not make yourself miserable by indulging in self-pity. Instead of seeking false comfort by daydreaming and filling your mind with “If only…”, you can choose to stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on to feeling for others. You can only hope to see clearly and find the true fulfillment when we focus on God and other people.
Focus on giving, not receiving .
Often in our desperate bid to fill the emptiness inside us, we fall into the trap of subconsciously ignoring those people who do not meet our criteria for the perfect friend. It would be a tragic loss for us and for others if, for example, we become so focused on finding a marriage partner that we fail to pay attention to those who have no chance of meeting that need. Learn to treasure people and you'll not only lift them but they will add fulfillment to your own life.
Start taking risks.
It sometimes takes great courage to reach out to others because it can be embarrassing and threatening when others criticise or reject us or fail to respond. Be like Jesus, who continually exposes Himself to the possibility of rejection. No one knows the pain of a broken heart more than Him, yet He is continually reaching out to people who despise Him. And some eventually respond. Be courageous and take risks, remembering that to shrink from the possibility of pain is to shrink from life.
Don't give in to desperation by attempting to find a quick fix for loneliness.
Many people have ruined their lives simply because they could not wait for God's timing. Do not fall into the trap of becoming involved in an unwise relationship and sentence yourself to a life of regret. If you act in haste you could find yourself moving from temporary loneliness to permanent remorse.
Turn your loneliness into a blessing. All too often, when people are blessed with comforts, riches or relationships, they almost inevitably become preoccupied with these lesser things and miss the ultimate human experience – intimacy with Jesus. Being alone presents us with the priceless opportunity of embarking on life's most exciting adventure with God. Don't deny yourself the opportunity to be alone with God by distracting yourself with overwork, too much television, the internet, computer games, and so on. Use the time to cultivate an intimate relationship with God.
Develop a positive attitude, an appreciation for what is good in life, and a sense of humour. Be determined to look at the bright side of life. No matter how unhappy you are the very act of smiling will make you feel better and will attract people to you. People instinctively avoid a person who is grumpy, angry or preoccupied but when someone smiles at them, their defenses drop and they feel drawn to that person.
Develop a lifestyle of keeping in touch. We only intensify our loneliness by avoiding relationships or withdrawing into a life of inactivity. In contrast, by working, playing, getting involved in creative activities, being aware of the daily news, by joining others in worship, we can stay in contact with those people and events which can pull us out of loneliness and a tendency to brood.
Meditate on God's Word to build up your faith in His presence and sovereignty.. Ask God to help you see life in its wholeness and to find meaning and purpose in your life even when surrounding circumstances seems to be unchangeable and defeating. You can't always change your environment, but you can change your attitude with God's power .
Loneliness can be overcome but it's up to you to take the steps necessary to break free from its grip. Ask your Heavenly Father for the courage to reach out to others and try new things. Trust Him to give you what He wants you to have – an abundant life that includes intimate and faithful friends.
Catherine Francis is a member of the Taiping branch of Covenanted for Christ Community, Malaysia .